http://www.chinaelections.org/NewsInfo.asp?NewsID=142748

    

My father said: "If you can't gain acceptance into a top tier university, you might as well die and I won't shed a tear at your funeral." I thought about suicide, but I couldn't let the Chinese education system drive me to insanity. I hate my father, but not really. What I hate more is the Chinese education system and how it drives parents and relatives to measure people solely by grades and numbers.

    

I have been driven mad by the Chinese Education System and I have no idea how I ended up in this situation.

    

My pain began in the fifth grade. When I tested into intensive classes, my father began to pay attention to my grades. In the sixth grade, so as to improve my test results to enter a better junior high school, my father sent me off to a distant school, where I lived alone in a rented room. During vacation time, when my parents were busy (my parents are uneducated farmers) I handled household chores or took care of my little brother.  I believed that this is the duty of the children of farmers.  After several months studying alone and without a visit from anyone, I walked two hours back to my parent's home.  The very first thing they asked me when I returned was about my grades in school, and their parting words were also about grades. It was then that I realized the great importance of my scores.

    

I have an older cousin whose grades are quite good. Our relatives are always sucking up to him. Over Chinese New Year the family gathered around flattering his parents. My father said to me: "You should also learn from your cousin, talk to him more--then you will develop your mind." I didn't move. My father called my mother over to put more pressure on me.  I feel inferior already. Talking to a good student and perhaps being blamed for casting a bad influence on the good student is only going to make things worse. "What to do with this scumbag…" my father scolded. In his view, save the number one or number two students, all the rest are bad students. At that time I was usually ranked tenth in the class or at worst twentieth.

    

No one looked up to me; all my relatives despise me and I know that's because of what my father tells them. During summer breaks I never stopped doing household chores but my father continued to say insulting things about me to other people. He forced me to make the highest test score and resorted to any means necessary. He used to hit me, now he just puts pressure on me. He even calls on my grandparents to help him put pressure on me.

    

Before the senior high entrance exam, my father said something I will never forget: "If you don't get into Jiangzhong (our region's best middle school), go and kill yourself, we have poison and rope in the house." I held back my tears and ran to my room.  I didn't understand. How could your son getting into a good middle school be more important than your son's own life? Afterwards, I tested in to the middle school but my relatives never saw me any differently. This was because my father had already written me off.

    

I never felt proud in front of my father; for my father only the student who scores the highest on the test can be proud.

    

After high school I began having all kinds of problems. First it was obsessive-compulsive disorder and now headaches. At the beginning of this semester I had a migraine. I've already had two migraines and both of them lasted two weeks. I needed a week to recover and the doctors said that so much pressure from school had resulted in my illness.  When I go to school it is like entering a prison.

    

On New Year's Day 2008, I went home. My father and I fought once again. This was the time that he said "If you can't gain acceptance into a top tier university, you might as well die and I won't shed a tear at your funeral." I really could not endure it and I told him my true feelings: "It is because of you that I do so poorly." His response was a sneer. My uncle told him he should encourage me more but my father struck the table and said angrily, "He's not that kind of person, there is no need to talk about encouragement in front of an animal…" I left the house.

    

My father and my teachers only care about my performance in school; no one cares or is interested in my feelings or emotions.  The head teacher is always calling my father and telling him to put more pressure on me. The head teacher treats me with contempt. Every time that I tell her the truth she is always suspicious of me. She is only concerned with my declining grades.

   

One day I brought in a book, The Collected Stories of Guy Maupassant, and it was confiscated. The head teacher said this book was useless in improving my grades and that these kinds of books only lead students into decadence and depravation. The next day after class I was flipping through a book of short essays and it too was confiscated. The head teacher would not even let me write small articles on my own because she believes that it is a waste of time to write anything unless it is required by the literature teacher.

    

The head teacher called my parents and told them to come to the school. She told them that the headaches were because I read too many books.  I sat there mute. "Do you want to attend the university entrance exam? Tell the truth," the head teacher asked me. This was in front of my parents.

   

I hesitated and stuttered-- "I don't! " I shouldn't have told the truth. Teachers now only like lies. Later the situation got worse. The head teacher and my father yelled at me for an hour.  "Pack your bag and go home…don't think about living even if you go home!" When I heard my father say this, I had had enough.  I flew out of the office.  My heart was beating so quickly and I was quivering.  I went back to the classroom and threw down my text books. I could not take it anymore.

   

I  thought about committing suicide but I refuse to let the Chinese education system drive me mad. I hate my father, but not really. What I hate more is the Chinese education system and how it drives parents and relatives to measure people solely by grades and numbers.

    

This semester my father had planned not to let me go to school, but too many people pleaded with him. I went back to school, but going to school is like waiting to die. My heart simply cannot bear it. So my question is: what can I do?

    

What can I do now?

    

(The author is a senior high school student in Anhui province)